Addiction fills my paper...

     I've been trying to not allow myself to place my emotions back into typed words, yet the addiction once again grows. It's hard, not allowing yourself a escape from the flood gates that a human body tries to grasp. I haven't written in anything, a personal journal, online, or even a random note. And now as I sit here, I can't help but feel that emotions not only grace this entry or words, a piece of my soul does. Looking back I can't help but examine how life has been written under me. That with the growing urge to escape from the past, the past finds me, holds into me, and once again allows a simple question of what if manipulate my mind.
     Life has gotten to a point where I cannot yell, scream, express angry, or hold a intense emotion of hate. I've become numb, only knowing that hate was once a emotion that held onto me as a demon. Yet why am I now lusting after hate, trying to cause a panic which can fill my air with the color of reds? I see that the only reason why is because I feed from the pain, I ravish in the knowledge that I hurt. Yet why allow such a sadistic sense suspend me in my life? The world feeds off of drama. We need it to keep us alive. Pain is our pleasure, it is our mistress, that secret lover that we hide within our deepest corners.
     And as much as this is our mistress, why do we show such a hatred? Why argue to yourself that the pain bothers you? As a human being we live off the pain, we enjoy the knowledge that we are not some kind of creature that is only submerged in positive feed-back. These demons of pain, allow us to live, they show us the emotions of rejection, death, stress, and lonilness. I am not mad, or am I in a sense of feeling hatred. I guess many of you can say that I've finally seen what life is like without the hate.
I look back, back to where I started, and realized that I've always felt some sort of smarting pain. That as child I felt it from the parties that surrounded me, rejecting me, classifying me as the odd woman out. And what do I receive from this, a sense of never ending open minded-ness. I accept that a person should not be classified by who they are, but what they are. Going through the pages and pages of friends, I can only see a growing sense that most of them do no even come close to the knowledge of me.
     I don't mind, that as the one who wasn't always invited, that I'm the one that was placed into the useless mass of people who didn't get to enjoy memories with classmates. I guess the only thing that affected my persona was why I couldn't be like one of the others. That with everything I did I was placed as the favorite, the one who could get away with most things because she had a connection. I just believe that maybe I was too different, that my life wasn't as free as now. But I appreicate my freedom, that as I left my childhood I became who I am now. That people didn't reject me, they accepted my styles. I was the one who was in, I drowned into the fact of popularity, and as I did I lost all knowledge of self.
     I became the child who pushed so far that she didn't know what she was doing. She placed her life into the hands of parties, and lies. I colored myself a life that was too surreal. And now what do I have to show for it? I only show most of the regret I hold within myself. That at times instead of feeling the pride and joy that a person should feel, I only felt failure. I was held back in my growth while everyone else grew around me. I learned the harshest lesson of all, that not all friends were truly there. That as easy as they love you, they can come back and hate you.
     I guess that's where the addiction became too much, when drama was a feeling felt as I laid my head onto my pillow, and awoke with it above my head. I find that as this hung above me, I only learned to dream alittle more, to place myself into a life where drama couldn't hold me, where rejection wasn't possible, that I could go outside and find no hate, but reality sets in, and all I could do was shed my tear and walk. And now as I begin to see that life is finally in its' stage of fully evolving, I'm flabbergasted that I can't seem to let go of the past. That as much as I talk about letting go, I can't, not even to the days of being a chid. I close my eyes and imagine myself sitting in a classroom as a seven year old only to feel the insecurities begining to eat my alive.
     I find that this is my addiction, that I live off my emotions of what if. That I allow myself to have the joy, but I break it with my emotions of the past. I'm never safe from the mind, my very own mind. It haunts me, and my only savior is knowing that as I go to sleep, he is beside me, holding onto me so that if a tiny flaw falls into my veins, he places a arm around me to wash it away.

No title.

     I just finished reading this comment left on my of my old friends journals and it made me realize that what that person wrote is techincally right.

    "We look past everything and try to see that maybe this person has truly changed theirselves, yet in reality we see that the way they are will always be there. A person can never change they can only change if they allow themselves too."

     Most people are willing to change. I've tried hard to change, to push away those that I know will only bring me down and embrace those that won't. I honestly don't care if you call me a child anymore, talk to my friends to see what is going on with me, or explain to them your side of the story. It's over, our relationship has been dead. You're still the same as when you left me. You say that you've grown up, check back in the mirror because with growing up comes common sense. Knowledge of when things have just ended. I don't care if you ended the way we ended. Those hateful words come because all you have done is place me down.

       You never seemed to support me in my choices, you always tried to convince me that he wasn't worth it. Yet he is, you don't know him, none of you know him like I do. He understands me better then any of you. Puts me in my place when need be, and knows when the limits I push are too far. You always gave me my way, thinking it would please me, yet at the end of the night it can never compare to the way I feel when I think of my current place in life. Stay hurt, stay angered, I could care less as of now. You have never changed, you still are close minded. You run around believing that you are always right, you think you are the best. There will always be someone better then you, you are never always right.

        You still are the same, and as for me, I know my flaws. I accept my flaws. That instead of letting you have your way again I take my way. I push you out as far I can to better myself without you in my life. I don't want you helping my paint my picture anymore. I don't care the costs of my actions because at the end I'm happy. You're not there anymore to make me doubt what I'm building with my someone. You aren't there to convince me that you were the better for me, you aren't. You understood me then, but you never understood the flaws I had. And when things began to drown you within them you got out.

       You can't just leave once the water becomes too high, I didn't want too, but you did. And now that the water has settled I'm not letting you stir them up again. Goodbye to you, I bury the memories, the letters, smiles, laughs, hugs, kisses, lines, and everything else that comes close to you. I can honestly say that with everything you have help to cause I'm better off without you in my life, let your friends hate on me. I could care less, hate me for what I chosen,call me the child I am, but I know when to just stop. I am done, no more arguing with you, no more letting you have your ways. I will never know as of now this journal has come to its' end. This is the last entry. These pages are full of thoughts and opinions and this is my last one.

Quick but short entry...

       I GOT MY NEW TOY...TIME TO PLAY TIME TO PLAY AND MAKE IT ALL FRIKKIN SEXY. WHITE WITH THE STI PINK...GOD THAT WILL BE THE DAY I WILL HONEST TO GOD MY CAR WILL LOOK SO FRIKKIN PIMPED OUT!!

Ok just informing the world that I got my new toy, off to bed again with my new pillow.

     It's close to two in the morning and my mind is racing at great speeds over certain choices that I have made this past week. Along with trying to be able to push out entries that gave the views points of life within my shoes, I can only find myself stuck into a rut. Through out this past week I have only learned that the more pressure I recieve the more I limit the amount I will take. Nothing wrong with that, but not needed stress isn't part of my two year plan as of now. The Greatness with-in my life is that I can only learn to just push everything I don't want away.

    I'm just tired of  having to find a way to balance things that aren't needed. Yes I know friends are needed, but I'll stick to the certain few I want in my life. I don't care about the rest because we've all found that we have parted ways. To all of you good luck. Yet something that adds is the whole have a relationship while trying to accomplish my goals. I have to admitt balancing it has become tedious, yet at least I have some extra support. I don't care if my times goes mostly to him, my only fear is another recap. I don't honestly care what any of you think anymore, I have classes and other personal things to take care of. So if you have nothing to say that helps to motivate me just keep your opinions to yourself.

     I know many of you must think why all over again, I can't help but give chances. Along with the fact that before all the reoccurrences there was not real big problems. We weren't facing things or issues that weren't needed. All I can do now is hope that the talks we've been having is going to help to better things. If any of you think that this was a wrong choice well hey you honestly weren't there in the begining, you don't know the aspects, and relationships are never easy. They contain their own trials, so don't be placing someone's down, because others might think that yours is the same.

     As for others complaining about my lifestyle, just stop with the hating. You think that whining about me gets you anywhere...no. I'm over the whole well she's this and that. I live my life the way I want too. You never really knew me. You don't know how I worked to get the things in my life. They were never handed to me I had to work for them. And others cause drama too, it takes two to make something, not just one person. And that person started all this. And don't give me this well if you just kept your mouth shut, I'm not like that anymore I'm willing to tell him what I find he needs to know to make this work. So save me the whole "She's drama", because it's not just me that started this. And as for getting the things I have, I worked for them I worked my ass off and take care of the gifts I get from my parents. It's not my fault that yours was taken away then destroyed. So last words to you, get use to walking that's going to be your life from now on.

       I don't care if I'm placing you down as of now, I never once tried to hurt you after the last encounter. I said my sorries tried hard to be ok with you, and hey you're just as close minded as the rest of the stupid haters in this world, that's why people are stressed because of immature people like you. Go ahead and hate, it's not getting you any where, and hey I honestly don't even care if you read this, you are nothing to me and I could care less of what happens within your life.

       Advice :

                   Relationship aren't shit, the only reason people say that is because they see the happiness coming from a great one. They only feed off of the negative, learning to destroy something two people are working on.  So just let those people hate, because they only hate because of the envy within them. Let them talk, gossip, spread the rumors, because they can't touch what any of you might make.

       Life is about trials, bumps, and bruises. I believe that the bumps and bruises I have only help to strengthen my mind, it only goes to show that just because I shed a tear or get frustrated doesn't mean I'm willing to go back. I tried and shed a open mind to ideas, but hey at the end my ideals were right, not everyone can stay close friends. Not everyone stays the same, some change for the good or for the worse. Hopefully most of us just change for the better, this world is filled with enough drama, let's try to end it, or just buried it so that all of us just grow and learn.